Reflections on Potty Training

This blog post will probably not be super-fun to read, but I really want to record these thoughts for memory's sake & I think it will be a bit cathartic for me to get my thoughts out on paper (err...out in html?)..and who knows, maybe someone else will have that "me too!" moment when they are reading this, and they won't feel so alone. ;)  Anyhow, here we go!

On Saturday, we started the 3 day potty training method with Shelby (www.3daypottytraining.com). We were very optimistic about the whole process b/c Shelby had been showing all the "readiness signs" for quite some time. Truthfully, we might have considered potty training her sooner but between all of our traveling in the fall & then the holidays, we never found the right time..until this weekend. We thought this weekend would be perfect b/c Derek would be home to help for the entire 3 days. We were prepared for Derek & I to both get frustrated, and we were totally prepared to clean up accident after accident. (I had been sure to stock up on lots of underwear for Shelby & had extra laundry detergent, bleach, lysol wipes, carpet cleaner, and paper towels on hand!) But what we failed to anticipate was how Shelby would handle the change. We assumed there would be a learning curve for her, but we never really considered how the whole process would make her feel. And looking back, I don't know how we could have not seen it coming. This is the child who came into the world 1.5 weeks late (and not by choice!), waited until after her first birthday to start crawling, didn't start walking until almost 17 months old...she has always liked to do things on her timetable. Not to mention, she's always had a bit of a nervous/cautious personality.

Anyhow, Day #1 went just as expected..lots of accidents! We had made the decision ahead of time to record/track everything--when she had an accident, when she just got her undies a little wet, when she ate, when she drank, etc--to help us try to see any patterns. This really helped us! We did have quite a few accidents on Day #1, but we also had a few "partial successes" as we liked to call them. (This was when she started going in her undies, but we made it to the potty in time to finish.) But we thought we were starting to notice some anxiousness on Shelby's part, which was confirmed at naptime on Day #1. Our child who usually falls asleep within 5 minutes and then naps for a good 3 hours wasn't able to fall asleep for over an hour and then only slept for 90 minutes. By lunch time on Day #2, we could really tell that everything was starting to "click" with Shelby and that she was catching on to the whole concept...but that was also when we started to notice Shelby's anxiety kicking in big time. She started talking to her body's "urges" if you will, saying "No pee pee! No come pee pee!" over and over and over again. Then after naptime on Day #2, she discovered she could just hold it. And holy cow, does that child have some control over her bladder muscles. She didn't pee once--not even a drip!--from the moment she woke up from naptime until we put her to bed that night around 8:30pm. Then the same thing on Day #3, but it got worse. She wouldn't let herself pee from the moment she got up until lunchtime..despite the extra fluids we'd been giving her. To say she was miserable would be the biggest understatement. It was literally heartbreaking for us as parents. She was physically and emotionally struggling. She started asking to be held or to sit in our laps constantly b/c she was so anxious and uncomfortable. It was terrible. That was when we decided to throw in the towel. Here we are a day and a half after putting the brakes on potty training, and Shelby is still suffering from a bit of anxiety from the whole experience. I am glad that we attempted potty training b/c Derek & I were both sure she was ready, but I am also so glad that the weekend is behind us. And I'm so thankful we both had the guts to say enough is enough.

But that is not to say that this weekend was not hard on me personally as a mother. I am embarrassed to say that I shed way too many tears this weekend over something as silly as potty training. I was worried we were calling it quits to soon, worried we were pushing her too hard, worried we were doing something, & the list goes on. And what is it about parenting young children (or maybe kids of any age?) that makes it so hard not to compare yourself (or your kids) to others? For some completely silly reason, I felt like I was failing as a mom if I threw in the towel on potty training. But then I read a quote in my book "What to Expect: The Toddler Years" that said: "Slow potty learning is neither a reflection on your toddler (late learners are no less bright) or on you (parents of late learners are no less competent). And boy, did I need to hear that. It reminded me of all those times when Shelby was booty-scooting around the floor, and people would look astonished at me when they realized how old she was and still not walking. It reminded me of my friends who have felt like they were being judged b/c they didn't nurse their baby for a certain length of time. It reminded me of this:

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter that Shelby didn't start walking until she was almost 17 months old. It doesn't matter that she is still drinking milk out of a bottle (although we are making progress on that front--she is now drinking 4oz out of a sippy cup in the afternoons...hallelujah!). It doesn't matter that she knows all of her letters & sounds and is able to spell almost 10 words. It doesn't matter how good of a sleeper she is or was. It doesn't matter how advanced her communication skills are. It doesn't matter when she gets potty trained. It doesn't matter whether she's ahead of the curve or behind the curve. None of that really matters at the end of the day. What matters is that we love her more than anything and that the 3 of us are in it together. In the midst of one of my emotional breakdowns this weekend, I hastily made the remark to Derek that this weekend was such a waste. (In reality, this statement couldn't be farther from the truth b/c although we didn't succeed in potty training Shelby, we learned a multitude of valuable lessons.) But wouldn't you know my sweet as pie hubby just smiled and said: "It wasn't a waste to me--I got to spend 3 uninterrupted days with my 2 girls. What's better than that?" :)

Who knows when we'll be ready to attempt potty training again, but I'm thankful we tried and I'm thankful for the lessons we learned. And even though I know Derek would rather me leave this little detail out, it's too good not to share! When Shelby was having her first "partial success," Derek happened to be in the other room. I started cheering for Shelby, and Derek tried to run over to us as fast as he could to be a part of the exciting moment. In his haste, his misjudged the amount of space he had while running and broke his toe. It was not funny at the time (and it probably still isn't funny to Derek yet!), but it was/is seriously hilarious. But that's just the kind of Daddy that Derek is...he'll do anything for Shelby, including breaking his toe to see her going pee pee in her princess potty chair. ;)